Avoidance

I've been successfully avoiding the yoga studio this month. I went to a class this past Monday. So that makes a whopping 2 classes this month! In yoga's absence I've been attempting to go for more walks and wear my pedometer each day (slightly more successful with this goal). Today I AM going to yoga even though I have a list of reasons I'd like not to go: I have a sore throat, I'm hungry and want to eat right NOW, I'm tired, and...you get the picture. But in a half hour I will start the process of getting ready and I will go. I know afterwords I'll be happy I went and feel better about myself.

Still looking for work. I didn't fully appreciate how bad the job market is. Now I do. I've had a couple interviews, a rejection, and one or two promising leads. It's possible I could have an offer in the next week and that means I will have to do one of the things I hate most: make a decision. It's become apparent to me that the perfect job is not going to just fall from the sky. I'm going to have to accept that something about my new job will not be ideal: the hours, the commute, the benefits, the pay, etc. However, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad fit. What I have to do is figure out what IS a deal breaker for me, and there in lies the decision making. Blerg.

In other news, I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair off. Maybe it's because summer has finally arrived in Seattle or I just want a change. My knitting is going OK...I currently have four active projects and am trying to focus only on them and not start anything new. Not as easy as it sounds!

Depression and Suicide

Depression and Suicide

My List...

Simply put, this is a list of topics I'm considering as possible podcast discussions. The reason I'm listing them here is so people can contribute any ideas they may have for topics surrounding anxiety and depression. Any ideas are fair game, as they say, "there are no bad ideas in brainstorming." So let's hear what you got, :0). Some of mine so far:

1) Depression and friendship (as well as isolation)
2) Depression and marriage (perhaps my husband Adrian would agree to be a special guest star on this episode, perhaps...)
3) Depression and intimacy (I already know the answer Adrian would have for me, a big fat NO)
4) Depression and relapse
5) Depression and medications
6) Depression and alternative health/eastern medicine treatments
7) Depression and self help books/materials
8) Depression with dual diagnosis (for ex. GAD or bipolar disorder)
9) Depression and mindfulness
10) Depression and suicidality

WOW, I didn't think I'd come up with so many ideas...let's hear yours. :0)

The job search...

Nothing new to report about hot yoga, because I haven't been since Tuesday. Need to work on that. In fact, I'm going to look at tomorrow's schedule RIGHT NOW. OK, after looking, the 5pm class will work the best with my schedule. Tomorrow I'm starting a 3 week sock class with my sister, Tina. It's on Saturday mornings and I'm VERY excited to try it! So yoga later in the day makes the most sense.

I've been spending some time looking for a job this week, with very little success. I'm feeling discouraged, but honestly I haven't been looking for all that long. In the past I've just kind of fallen into a new job without really having to make much of an effort. I know I've been lucky and now I'm having to face the fact that it may not be so easy this time around. I've had one interview, sent some resumes out, and emailed a woman that gave me a job offer a few months ago that I declined at the time because of the depression. No dice so far. My ego feels a little bruised when I think about my work life. My past employer doesn't want me back because as a result of the depression I became unreliable and they don't want to take the risk with hiring me back. I can't really blame them, I'm not sure myself of how reliable I will be in the future. But still, it stings. Pretty bad. My past workplace was like a second home. And I miss it.

Today I met with my psychiatrist for the first time since I completed my course of ECT treatments. He thinks I look brighter and I assured him I'm feeling brighter as well. We're not going to make any changes with my meds at this point...if it ain't broke don't fix it, right?? At least that's our take on the present situation. I did ask him about relapse and the statistics available on it. He said that 50% of people relapse within a year after finishing ECT. Hmmm, this made me feel a little sick to my stomach. But one option is to always go in once a month for maintenance should it be needed. For the time being, we just wait and see.

Alrighty, I'm glad I wrote an entry tonight. It definitely helps to let some of my worries and concerns out from inside my head. Over and out.

Where am I going with this?

Where am I going with this?

My return to the hot room...

Today was my first day back to the studio in several weeks. I hadn't gone since ECT started per the advice of my doctor (nothing too strenuous and I think Bikram yoga would fit into that category). My friend Linda and I went together which was a good arrangement considering she hadn't been in a couple weeks either. I think we both feel as if the class kicked our ass pretty damn hard. The biggest struggle I had was with my balance. Physically, I still feel somewhat wonky so trying to stay upright in those conditions was rough...I took LOTS of breaks. But I went. And I'm proud of myself for at least doing that. I may try to fit a class in tomorrow morning between individual therapy and group therapy, but that could be a tight fit, we'll see.

In other news, I'm finding my knitting to be a source of aggravation lately vs. enjoyment. For some reason I just can't "settle" into a project. I just keep hopping from one thing to another. This Saturday I begin a class, Knitting Socks Toe Up w/ Magic Loop. I'm pretty excited...this will be my first attempt at knitting socks!

Next week I'm going to be doing some relief work for the clinic I work (very) PT for during the week. Monday and Tuesday...it's been a looooong time since I've used some of my technical skills like placing catheters, blood draws, etc. so I'm nervous about how I'll perform, but I think they realize that and will hopefully give me a bit of a break. I'm already expecting I'll need to pop a klonipin beforehand.

All in all this week is going fairly well and I hope to blog again soon...