Gonna stop the count.

Greetings readers,

I've been away awhile because I haven't had any hot yoga related news to share with you all. Today I did go to a class, the first in 10 days. The past couple weeks have been really tough for me. My depression got severely worse which I do attribute partly to NOT going to yoga. But also my negative thinking and ruminating have had a major effect on my mood. So lots of my time has been spent in bed, crying, going to therapy, texting/calling my therapist when I'm not at therapy (lol, god I'm lucky), and figuring out other treatment plans with my psychiatrist. My doctor and I both agree that medication isn't cutting it. He did make some changes to doses and added Abilify to the mix. However, the big news is I'm going to be starting ECT in a week. I've questioned many doctors about the treatment and have always been discouraged from pursuing it (even by my current doc). It's still a controversial treatment and the medical community is largely at odds on it...probably because they aren't sure exactly why it works. But it is effective (70-75%) and I think I can handle the side effects. I think my psychiatrist became much more supportive of the idea when he saw the state I was in this week...complete agony is a good description. So that's where things are at currently.

Class today was good, quite full actually. I got pretty dizzy when laying on my back and I think this is probably due to the medication changes. The month I paid for ends on May 3rd and I don't think I'll be going much after that for the next few weeks. My ECT doctor said exercise is OK, but not to work too hard. So I think I might be sticking with walks and the gym if my mood allows. Take it a little easy. In other news it looks like I am going to start a podcast! I'm pretty excited about it. I've already recorded the first one and my husband and I are just working on figuring out how to get it up and running. So I will be back with a link for anyone that would like to hear it...soon I hope!

Day 28...should I stay or should I go?

Well, I went and I laid down A LOT, but I stayed. Man, I wanted out of that room pretty fiercely a couple times. When I had my appointment with my therapist yesterday we talked about how important it was for me to get to yoga. The idea we came up with was to plan on going to the 6am class if possible. If that time didn't work out, then try to go to the noon. And if I STILL haven't gone, then the 4pm class is the next option...and so on and so on. So that hopefully with multiple options, I increase my odds of getting there. Today I made it to the 4pm class, so that gives you a sense of what my motivation was like, haha. I sure wish yesterday and today would have been a stronger class for me because I know how much that helps for the next day. But as I already said, I made it there and that's enough for now.

A big part of the reason I made it there was looking at other people's blogs and also reading Catherine's kind comment (thank you btw, very kind of you). It's comforting to know that it's not just me that fights the internal struggle for peace.

Day 27...my return

Today was my first day back to yoga after a week long absence. I wish I could say it was great to be back. But it was a hard class and my body felt some loss of stamina. I'd like to simply be proud for going. Period. However, I'm feeling very apathetic and low energy. I know it's the depression and if I'm patient this bout will pass at it usually does. I guess I just hoped that going to yoga would be the magic fix for the last terrible week. And that I'd crave another class tomorrow. No such luck.

The past few days...

This week has been a tough one. I haven't been to yoga since Monday. Nothing in particular happened or is requiring my immediate attention or time. I've hit a slump. I know these slumps are going to happen. This isn't my first and it certainly won't be my last. Most of my time has been spent at home. In bed. This afternoon I got up and cleaned the house for 4 hours. I'm not sure where that spurt of energy came from but I used it until it ran out. And now I'm back in bed. I've been taking more klonipin (an anti-anxiety med) than I'd ordinarily take. I like the feeling of numbness and apathy that it brings. I know this isn't a great trend to start. I'm not sure what's next for me. I keep expecting the next day to be a little better than the last. For now, I'm letting my depression dictate my days. Until I decide to become more involved in this decision, it wins.

Partly cloudy days...

I haven't posted for a couple days because there hasn't been much to report unfortunately. I'm planning on the 6am class tomorrow morning if my workload allows (I got kind of a funky schedule). But I've been up plenty early this week so I think I can swing it.

Tuesday and Wednesday weren't especially busy, but they were overwhelming. I struggled with making it to group today and I had some frustration and irritation with a knitting project I'm working on. Tomorrow is a new day and I see no reason it can't be a little better than the rest of the week. Now I'm going to see if I can post a pic on this thing. It may be technically beyond me. You'll now it was if you look down and see nothing. ;-)

Yeah, not gonna happen, frick.

Day 26...Podcasting

Ever since I started listening to podcasts I've been more and more intrigued by the idea of doing one of my own. I find it very similar to blogging really. It's another way to tell a story and document what's going on in your life. I've always hated the sound of my own voice. You know when you review a voice mail before sending it? On the rare occasions I've done that I always cringe at what I sound like. But I'm also not crazy about my writing ability either. When I write I find thoughts popping into my head so quickly I can't get them down in an articulate way. With talking aloud there's less censorship and more of an unedited account. I like that capability. So I'm considering that.

Did the 4pm class with Kristen today. It was full and there were a couple new people. They "kind of" annoyed me in the sense that they were almost goofing off. But then I think, why does Bikram need to be so serious? I like it when teachers use humor and who's to say people shouldn't have fun while they're practicing. Perhaps I'm just jealous, hmmmm.

Liz: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. [pause] No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed.... no, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... well, that is just... oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks! [hangs up]

Day 25...wise mind

I mentioned in a previous post that I went to my first DBT group last week. You know, I should probably just mention briefly what DBT is in case someone reading is like, wtf? So DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy. It's a therapeutic approach that uses four main "modules" to expand one's coping skills. The modules include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. It was initially used for people with Borderline Personality Disorder but over the past 10 years or so the approach has expanded to help many dealing with a wide variety of other issues/mental illness. Honestly, I think the skills taught could be helpful to anyone. I'm a huge proponent of DBT and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Regardless of what is going on, we only have control over the current moment. The same logic applies to our past. It happened. Now what am I going to do about it?? So anyhow, DBT has a variety of "jargon". One piece of jargon I picked up at the first meeting was "wise mind". The following is a brief description from M. Linehan (developer of DBT):

"Wise mind refers to that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap. Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth. It is where the person knows something to be true or valid. It is almost always quiet, It has a certain peace. It is where the person knows something in a centered way."

Basically, you can think of it as your "gut feeling" or intuition. NOW I can tell you why I mention wise mind (thank you for your patience). My homework for the week between groups was to practice/notice wise mind a couple times. During yoga class tonight I gave it a try.

I had what I considered a decent class. I rested, but I put forth a solid effort in all the poses. And I was feeling it. By 7:15 I felt exhausted. I got a bit of that panicky feeling in my chest. The heat seemed to be pushing me into the ground and I considered leaving the room. Here's a couple of the thoughts I had as I was laying there: "I'm going to die. The heat is going to smother me. I can't breathe." Silly, right?? That's the seduction of our emotional mind though. It absolutely feels real. We even have the bodily sensations that add to this deception. Racing heart, dizziness, etc. This isn't the first time I've had this experience during hot yoga. Each time it happens I remind myself to breathe. As I begin to calm down a little it becomes clear that the heat is not going to strangle the life out of me and I move on in the class. Tonight I acknowledged this entire process from beginning to end. The balance between reasonable mind and emotional mind is a large part of Bikram yoga for me right now. Lots of time to practice wise mind...

Instead of a 30 Rock quote I wanted to tell you an idea I have for a reality TV show. Celebrities doing Bikram yoga. I thought of it during class when for some reason I imagined the cast of LOST doing a class. I know, I'm weird.

Day 24...the internal battle

This evening I'm experiencing quite a bit of sadness and irritability. Mainly with myself. I went to the gym this afternoon and did 45 minutes of cardio. When I got home I was hungry and probably waited too long to eat, which can cause a drop in my mood. My husband and I were arguing about what to do for dinner. And as is usually the case, we weren't in agreement. He wanted to go out and I wanted to stay home. This is a common issue that arises for us as a couple. Because of the depression I rarely want to go out or do anything. This frustrates him and then I get upset that he doesn't "get it" and is mad at me for something that feels out of my control. So we didn't go out and I feel guilty and angry about it. And what drives me even more crazy is that when I get into these moods I'm quite often bored. Going out WOULD help. It's an on-going battle. Who will win?? The depression and anxiety or the piece of me that wants to be free of this.

I'm missing my Bikram classes and plan to go tomorrow. The past two days I chose not to go due to the teacher schedule. I'm just so concerned/anxious about having a new teacher I avoid the studio completely.

OK, I could use a laugh, so here's my daily dose of Lemon:

Liz: What’s going on, business got ya down?
Jack: Business doesn’t get me down, business gets me off.

Day 23...Greenlake

I struggled a bit getting going this afternoon and eventually decided to take a walk.  A couple miles from my house is Greenlake.  A man made lake with a paved trail about 3 miles long.  Definitely not one of my favorite places to walk, but it's close.  On warm, sunny days the trail can be packed.  It can feel as if you're driving on a freeway.  Weaving in and out, trying to avoid dogs, strollers, and sometimes even bikes.  Thankfully today was overcast and actually fairly chilly.  I tried to walk somewhat briskly to get my heartrate up but I can't always tell if my pace is consistent.  I had my MP3 player to listen to but still got a little bored.  I do like seeing all the dogs though.  They always get a smile from me and occasionally I'll acknowledge the owner.  ;-)  I also got to see some turtles laying out on a log, cute.  Not much more going on today.  I don't think I've mentioned this in previous entries, but my favorite hobby is knitting.  So a good part of the rest of the day was spent working on a shawl.  I just recently discovered podcasts too...so cool!  They're great for listening to while I knit.

Speaking of knitting...

Jack: Sure... I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says "healthy body image" on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for ... a week.
Pete: That is dead on!
Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don't want me to do that.

Wednesday and Day 22

As I expected, Wednesday was a busy day for me and I allowed myself to just take it easy and not put the pressure on to get to a class.  It's a funny thing.  I remember not so long ago a busy day would go something like this: work a physically and emotionally draining 11 hour shift, followed by going out with friends or doing something with my husband.  Things have really changed.  Yesterday I had an appointment (individual therapy) and group (my first DBT session) that took about four hours and when I got home I was exhausted.  Granted, the whole time was spent dealing with my current mental state and how I can start to cope better.  The idea of  "getting better" isn't always appealing.  Depression can create a comfortable and predictable existence.  The suffering is intense, but in a sense, it's home.  It's familiar.  So focusing on ways to not let it control my life can be overwhelming and often anxiety provoking.  That was Wednesday.

Today I went to the 4pm class taught by Lisa (my first time with her I think).  I tend to steer myself towards classes where I'm familiar with the teacher.  Haha, very much like what I described above.  I'm a creature of habit.  Not one for being spontaneous.  Don't like change.  I think you get it. :-)  So when I go to a class with a "new" teacher, I'm always a little anxious of how it's going to go.  In truth, I've liked every single teacher (certainly I prefer some over others) at the studio I go to.  But it might be a good idea, and challenge really, for myself to branch out a little more.  I'll check the schedule for tomorrow and see what I can figure out...

I sure hope there's a new 30 Rock episode tonight!! 

"Creativity to me is just like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all ideas and shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty"--Lemon

Day 21

I'm not sure of my purpose now in numbering the days, but eh, I'll just go with it.  I was up early enough to make it to the 6am class.  I really do like going at that time.  Even if I am a little stiff.  Not many people, and I find it easier to keep my focus.  I noticed during the balancing series that I've made some progress.  Maybe I'm getting better at locking my knee.  Still, I envy those around me that are able to kick back in standing bow.  For now I just need to work on finding my balance, strength, and determination. 

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me.  I have appointments most the morning and a good part of the afternoon.  I may not make it to class and hopefully I can handle that without getting overly critical of myself.

Today's Lemon:
Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Day 19 & 20

Sunday I went to the gym with my husband instead of a yoga class.  I did the elliptical for 30 minutes and then some upper body weights.  I was surprised by how boring the elliptical was.  I liked listening to my music, but there was no processing of information or direction.  Just the steady (pretty boring) movement of my legs.  I did weigh myself at the gym since I don't have a scale at home and I have lost a few pounds.  I'm always skeptical about relying on weight to judge progress.  But in my everyday life I usually wear baggy, loose fitting clothes so I can't really tell if the fit has changed.  My arms were slightly sore today from the weights.

Today I went to the 4pm class with Saiko.  It was really packed.  Only a foot or so between people.  As soon as I walked into the studio and signed in I grabbed a free spot (I'm lucky I got one, and this was 10 minutes before class).  When I got settled and was resting on my back I started to think about how many people were in the room.  I had some anxiety and became fidgety.  As I've gotten older I've become less and less tolerant in crowds, sometimes coming close to a panic attack.  Adrian and I used to go to concerts a lot...Dave Matthews usually.  The last DMB concert we went to was at the Gorge (an outdoor amphitheater) about 2 years ago.  It wasn't so bad early on in the day.  We sat near the top of the hill.  No one was around us and I felt comfortable.  But by the beginning of the concert people had closed in around us.  I was upset.  Worried a drunken concert goer would stumble into our space or worse, vomit near me.  I ended up leaving the area a couple songs in.  I walked over to the concessions area which was deserted by then, the workers starting to close their booths up.  I sat at a picnic table and cried.  It sucked.  I was at a concert I wanted to go to and all I could do was listen to the music, not able to see a thing.  But that was the choice I made then.  Tonight I stayed for class even though the thought did cross my mind to leave while I still could.  The class went fine.  Some of the postures were difficult with little space, but we managed.  And I'm never a fan of getting sweat flung at me from different directions.  Oh well, I'm pretty sure I fling mine around too. :-)

D'oh, almost forgot my daily dose of Lemon:

Floyd: Well, that movie was a waste of time.
Liz Lemon: I found it moving... my bowels.

Day 18...4:10pm

Can I just say I really, really, really don't want to go??  This is killing me.  I have no motivation to go anymore.  Even if Jenn is teaching tonight (one of my favorites).  Plus, I have to buy another month today and it's always hard to spend that much money on something I don't want to do and haven't been doing regularly in the past week or so.  I wonder, is it going to end up being a waste of money?  Here's to hoping class #18 actually happens and I can walk through the front door of the studio...

Day 18 is done.  I made it to the 5pm class.  Really packed tonight, a few new people.  There was this really bitchy woman behind me that came into the room before class, looked around, and got all pissy that somebody was in "her spot".  Whatever, I didn't realize it was assigned seating.  Some dude chose to wear a banana hammock, gross.  Not sure if you've caught on yet, but it wasn't a great class, ha.  I made the mistake of downing a Gatorade right before class and paid the consequences...felt bloated and queasy throughout the 90 minutes.  I laid down a lot.  Mentally, I wasn't in the room today.  I focused on how uncomfortable I was and counted down by posture how near the end we were.  Huh, I guess I was in the room...but not the way I hoped.

I'm adding a Lemonism (seriously, that word didn't pop up as misspelled?? weird) to each entry.  They make me happy.  So here's today's (a long one, but a classic):

I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today. --Liz Lemon

Day 17...time to reassess...

I realized today that yesterday marked the end of the month (and no, not because I had an April Fool's Day joke played on me...yet.)  With a new month started I realized that it's probably a good time to reassess my goals for the next 30 days.  For March, I went more days of the month than not.  I consider that an achievement.  Certainly the most regular activity I've gotten in, well, years.  I love reading other people's blogs.  I find them so inspiring and how hard some work on their challenges is amazing!  But I'm not a challenge girl.  At least not right now.  Missing a class would be devastating for me.  And I'm in no shape at the current moment to "do doubles", crazy yoga people!! ;-)  So I'm going to be realistic.  I have limitations at the moment, mainly mental, but some physical as well.  Goal setting needs to be reachable for my own sanity.  So my goal this month is to attend more classes than last month, even if that means 18. :-)  Also, my blog has been focused on whether or not Bikram is beneficial for someone with depression and anxiety.  For me, I can wholeheartedly say YES.  No question.  So I'm going to focus on what difference activity has on my moods.  Bikram is a BIG part of that.  It provides a mental component to exercise that I've never experienced with other activities.  So that's my plan for the next month...

I went to the 6am class today with Saiko.  Not my original plan, but I was up at 4:30am and figured, why not?  Getting the class done earlier in the day was probably the wise choice since I've been having a very hard time getting to classes later in the day recently.  It was a decent class.  I wasn't nearly as stiff or tight as I
was in the previous 6am class I took.  Two postures I've been really struggling with lately are triangle and locust.  I detest them.  Triangle I often do one set of and then lay down on my mat.  Locust I can usually power through, but I hate every moment of it, esp. coming up on both legs.  They're like a newfound nemesis.  I took a nap when I got home and woke up close to noon.  The rest of the afternoon I've been feeling slightly sluggish and hungry (but nothing sounds appetizing once again).  But then again, I've had no coffee. ;-)