Don't feel like talking.

The heading pretty much sums it up.  A series of events soured my mood and I'm choosing (and I hate using that word because it feels impossible, but of course I know it's ultimately up to me) not to exercise today.

Day 16...I hate Seattle

There's no love lost between Seattle and I.  Let me explain...

I've lived in Seattle all my life...I'm bored.  I want to see something new.  Traffic is terrible.  The weather is worse.  On a warm sunny day I appreciate the city more, but this time of year is just bad.  My husband actually bought vitamin D in a bottle this weekend, he has a vitamin D deficincy just from living here!  Actually, many people do.  Parking can be miserable too.  Here's an example for your reading pleasure:

I drove to the yoga studio today for the noon class.  Ordinarily I don't drive because it's only half a mile away, but I had an errand to run after class.  The lot in front of the studio was already full and parking on the side streets was packed.  I circled the block once, nothing.  As I started a second loop I began thinking.  Seriously, will this be the second day in a row I can't find parking??  I quickly became frustrated and vowed to myself I'd just go home and hibernate if I didn't find a spot.  I did find a spot, only one hour...hmmm, do I chance it?  Fuck it, I took it.  As I grabbed my bag and got out of the car a parking enforcement vehicle passed by.  Really??  Once again I debated with myself.  In the end I decided a parking ticket would be better than not going to class.  Probably not the decision many would make, but at this point in my week I knew another day without exercise would have serious consequences.  So I went to class and it went OK.  And when I walked up to my car I was relieved to see that there was no ticket.  I'm such a bad ass risk taker, ha.

Blah.

Another day I didn't make it to the mat.  This morning I woke up with a sore neck.  Very ouchy on one side.  I assume I slept on it funny.  I tried to stretch it out, but I think I actually made it worse.  I took some Ibuprofen and used a heating pad, it helped slightly.  The idea of turning my head side to side while in Savasana for the cobra series didn't sound very pleasant.  I wasn't in the best of moods but I knew I needed some activity today.  So I decided to go to the gym instead.  I drive to the gym and there's no parking spots.  I said fuck it and left.  One of those days where everything just seems hard.  And its been pouring rain for the past two days which doesn't help.  I'm pretty down and I'm hoping that I can shake it off tomorrow and get some exercise (whatever that may be).  When I have strings of bad days (which this is becoming) I become very depressed, very quickly.  I get irritable, tired, and end up crying a lot.  I don't want to go there.  I'd rather go to yoga.

Skip day...

No yoga on this very rainy Sunday.  I had planned on a late afternoon class but I'm just too comfy at home.  Due to my inability to type today I'll make this entry short and sweet.  Planning on going to the 4pm class tomorrow.

Day 15...Blerg.

I don't know what's happening with my body but it feels as if it's decided to reject yoga.  I missed class Thursday and ever since I've felt stiff, sore, and completely inflexible.  It's like I haven't been practicing for the past 3 months at all!  WTF??  I'm discouraged.  Yesterday I accepted that my body was just not warmed up very well at that early hour.  But today I went at noon.  I'd been up for a couple hours, walked to the studio, and just assumed my body wouldn't be so tight.  On the positive side, I wasn't nearly as hard on myself today.  I tried to just go with the flow and not focus too much on my limitations.  So that's good.  I'm still going tomorrow and I'm hitting up the 4pm class to see if there's a difference.  I've also been considering trying to add some different activities to supplement the hot yoga.  I'd like to start riding my bike again now that the weather is starting to improve.  Plus going for walks and hikes are more appealing as it warms up as well.  I'm ready to cancel my gym membership that I rarely use.  That saves $40/mth that can go towards yoga.  And I'd like to do some ab and upper body work.  I have hand weights so this could be done at home, preferrably after yoga while I'm still warmed up.  So I've got some options.

Regardless of the activity, I know it helps.  It's really that simple.  Even a crappy yoga class has it's benefits.

Day 14...my "6am body"...

Last night I decided I wanted to try to make the 6am class if at all possible.  I was thinking it would be good to get it done early in the day since I had some appointments scheduled for later this afternoon.  Also, I was concerned I might have a hard time getting there because of not going yesterday (I know how my mind works).

When I arrived at the studio the teacher greeted me and commended me for coming in so early.  I responded that I was genuinely happy to be there (which was the truth).  Soooo, when I bent forward in half moon pose to do hands to feet I was surprised that my body was not at all in agreement with my mind.  What the what??  I couldn't believe how stiff I was.  After the posture, the teacher said to honor the body we brought in with us today.  Be patient.  She emphasized that our bodies are different at 6am vs. other times.  Oooooh, OK.  But I quickly lost patience with myself.  Everything seemed harder.  I felt so tight and apparently I have no balance whatsoever at that hour.  I finally laid down in Savasana during the balancing series because I was worried I would make other people fall out of their postures.  Ugh.  Talk about humbling.  I think 4pm classes are best for me at the moment.

Not one of my better days.

No yoga today.  Been struggling with a few things.  One of my cats is sick, only a cold at the moment, but I worry, and I hate to see my kitties uncomfortable.  Plus the other cats in my crew are starting to sneeze.  Even I'm feeling a bit froggy (am I turning into a cat??  I hope so!)...

I'm also not sleeping well, possibly due to a temporary change in meds.  When I do finally fall asleep I'm having horrible dreams.  Whenever I wake up from a bad dream I feel like a cloud is hanging over me.  The gloom just lingers for a bit, never fun.  And speaking of clouds...yesterday was a GORGEOUS day in Seattle...sunny and almost 70!  Wonderful!!  This morning I woke up to a very gray, rainy morning.  WTF??  So I'm done complaining now...I just wanted to make sure I convince people (and myself, ahem) I have plenty of good reasons (well, excuses really) for not making it to yoga. 

Life is not without it's blah days and on this one I choose to stay home, knit, and feel sorry for my sick kitties.  Tomorrow I have a couple doctor's appointments and another opportunity to go to yoga...

Day 13...gross

I already feel guilty for what I'm about to say, but it did dominate my attention through most of class.  The guy beside me was so distracting.  I knew I was going to have a hard time concentrating during the backward bend in half moon pose...that's when he started to grunt.  Loudly.  Throughout the class he made an assortment of noises...dude, it sounded like he was having sex over there.  Yuck!  I don't want to think about that during yoga.  I don't want to think about ANYTHING if at all possible.  Putting a positive spin on things, at least the guy was trying hard, props to him for that. {closed mouth breathing is a lovely thing}

Today I made it out of the house before class and ran some errands.  Nothing too exciting...grocery store, coffee shop, etc.  But I got more accomplished than I do on most days.  I even got a pedicure and brow wax.  I hate my feet and I've noticed I look at my feet alot more since starting yoga.  The pedicure was definitely much needed and it did make me a little happier to see my painted toenails as I practiced today.

Day 12...WOW

So today was my very first class that I didn't take Savasana (other than the designated ones).  I was pleasantly surprised considering I usually take 1-2 during standing series.  I don't expect that tomorrow will be the same because every day is different.  I guess I was just very focused and unusually determined. 

Day 11...my diet

By diet I don't mean I'm going on a diet, but rather what I'm eating.  I mentioned chocolate chip cookies in my last post and I have indeed been enjoying them...very much in excess.  I always kick myself for making or bringing in certain sweets into the house.  There are foods I simply have no control over.  Candy, cookies, pie, cake, and even ice cream at times.  Sugar is like crack for me.  I take medications to sleep and if I wake up in the middle of the night I will go out to the kitchen and binge.  Partly this is due to the medications.  They can give me the munchies and also I'm half asleep and therefore I don't have a whole lot of self control or even self awareness at the time.  It got so bad that if there was something in the house that I was likely to "sleep eat" my husband would hide it before bed.  I know, pretty pathetic.  It does work though.

Since I've started yoga my appetite for sweets hasn't really lessened (see above), but it's easier to avoid the foods.  This is a pattern I've noticed before.  When I'm exercising regularly I pay more attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and I tend to make better food choices in general.  One thing that seems different with yoga vs. other forms of exercising is the change in my appetite.  In the past my appetite would increase.  With yoga I find it hard to find anything that sounds good.  Except for the sweets of course.  But when lunch or dinner time rolls around I struggle, food doesn't appeal to me and often I feel as if I'm forcing it down just to get something in my stomach.  From what I've read this isn't abnormal.  Most people notice a change in their appetite when doing Bikram, either an increase or a decrease.  This isn't necessarily static, it can always shift and change.  For now I think the best thing I can do is keep the sugar out of the house and find a few things that don't completely disgust me food wise (today I made a smoothie and added some protein to it).

Side note:  I'm definitely more thirsty.  During class today my thoughts kept wandering to how good a gigantic lemonade would taste.  So I picked one up at Subway on the way home, at least it was the light kind. :-)

Day 10...back to it

First day back after my day off and it was hard to get there.  I had a rough morning.  Sundays I work as a relief nurse for the animal hospital we live below.  It involves doing treatments and caring for the patients and boarders there.  I woke up cranky and bitter that I couldn't just sleep in.  Instead I went upstairs to do my work.  My mood deteriorated quickly as I went about trying to get things done.  Eventually my anger turned into a full blown rage.  I stomped back downstairs, slammed the door, and went back to bed.  My husband attempted to talk to me and calm me down, but I wanted nobody near me.  I took a couple klonipin and as I waited for them to kick in my anger subsided, turning into guilt and sadness that these "episodes" still happen.  They've become less frequent, but when they do happen they're bad and I can fall quickly into a deep depression.  Since I don't have many coping skills (yet) I rely on medication to calm me down.  And time.  My hysterical sobbing stopped and I fell asleep for a couple hours.  I felt better when I woke up.  Not great.  But able to finish my work and make it to yoga class.  It was a decent class.  It feels as if I pulled my hamstring so we'll see how that feels in the morning.  For now I'm going to go take a shower and have some chocolate chip cookies. 

One of my favorite 30 Rock lines:
“Hey, where are my Sno-balls? I’m going to the gym later so I deserve a treat” --Liz Lemon

Day off and A's B-day...

Today was my husband's birthday and we celebrated by going to visit the beach.  I realized while driving that I hadn't seen the ocean in many years.  In fact, I estimate that I have not chosen to spend more than a few hours (3-4 tops, I think) away from home since last summer.  I avoid most social activities and instead spend most of my time at home, by myself, or with my husband.  I know it's not healthy.  But it feels comfortable and safe.  Isolation breeds more isolation.  So it was good to be out today, even if I was thinking about home more often than I'd like.  I got to see the Olympic Peninsula for the first time and visit the ocean again.  Perhaps yoga helped prep me for the trip.  Everyday that I make it to class I'm away from home for at least 90 minutes, that's a step in the right direction.

Day 9...a down day

I did make it to yoga today.  It was another battle to get there, which is disheartening.  The only thing that keeps me from flaking out is the reality that if I don't go I'm going to end up feeling VERY bad about myself.  I went to the 4 o'clock class with Erika and had two incidents where I completely bit it.  I'm talking a full on collapse out of the posture.  The first spill was coming out of the last part of awkward pose.  I fell backwards a couple feet and caught myself with my hands.  Shit.  Very noticeable, and therefore, very embarrassing.  The second time was during camel.  I went for my heels, was able to grab both, but just didn't have the arm strength to hold it.  Another fall backwards.  I guess I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself.  I stayed with it though.  Finished the class and walked home, a bit defeated. 

The plan is to take tomorrow off, which I have some reservations about.  It's my husband's birthday and we're taking a day trip to Ruby Beach.  The weather is supposed to be clear and warm.  I'm worried that if I take a day off, I'll have a hard time returning to class on Sunday.  I'm proud of myself for finishing 6 days in a row, but I always think I am capable of doing better.  However, the decision I'm making to take tomorrow off is being made ahead of time and for good reason.  Not because I'm letting my depression and anxiety call the shots.  I'm hoping this will make Sunday a bit easier to get back into the swing of things.

Day 8...that makes 5 days in a row!!

Today was another record breaker for me...the first time I've made it 5 days in a row.  I was also able to make it through the standing series with only one break, which is also a first for me.  I had originally planned on going to the noon class, but I had just woke up from a nap and was pretty unmotivated.  So I decided to aim for the 4pm class.  As the time rolled nearer I was more and more reluctant to go.  I was feeling stubborn.  Obviously I made it to class, but not without some encouragement and prodding from my husband.  I know the yoga is helping.  My mood is noticably better and I think I have more energy as well.  This makes it all the more perplexing that I don't want to keep it up. 

I got some good news today.  I found out a spot opened up for a DBT group...usually you have to wait months to get in, but I lucked out.  The group will hopefully help me even more in feeling better.  I mention this because it's probably not fair to give all the credit to yoga for my improvements.  There's a lot of different factors that play into the overall effect.  So yoga is really only one piece of the pie.  Mmmm, pie.

Day 7...Happy St. Patrick's Day

I did the 4pm class with Penni today.  Not very full, perhaps because of the holiday.  Not much of a St. Patty's Day fan...I don't really like beer and I hate crowded bars.  No thank you, I'll pass!  My friend Linda and I went together and it was nice to have the company.  Today was actually a record breaker for me.  It was the first time I've done more than 3 classes in a row.  Usually my body poops out after the third day and begs for a day of rest.  But this week my body is accommodating the daily regimen fairly well.  I have some sore muscles, but Ibuprofen and the stretching are enough to keep me going.

I thought I'd talk about fear briefly because I've noticed it coming up more and more in class.  There are a couple poses I'm having some major hesitation in.  Camel is one of these postures.  It's a backward bending move that eventually requires you to bend back far enough to hold your heels.  So your torso curves like a bridge.  I can do the backward bend quite well and feel myself progressing as I'm able to look further and further back during each class.  But I'm terrified of moving my hands off my hips and going ALL THE WAY BACK to grab my heels.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I think I'll hurt myself.  Or perhaps I don't want to look foolish in front of other people in the event "it doesn't work out".  Likely more the latter.  I've struggled with this often throughout my life.  This need for approval from others and a desire to be liked and blend in.  Most of us know this generally doesn't work out as we have absolutely no control over other's judgements.  But still, we attempt to please those around us.   Eventually I'm going to have to go for my heels and who knows how it will go.  But I do want to get there, preferrably without feeling self conscious or timid.

Day 6...a nooner

I did the noon class with Kristen today.  Very tired and drowsy following class.  Just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.  Bummed I don't have more energy, but glad I went. 

Day 5...lots of distractions

So it was a beautiful day in Seattle, sunny and in the 60's I think.  I was thinking class wouldn't be very full given the opportunities to exercise outside today.  I was wrong...very full and lots of new people for some reason.  I'm terrible at estimating the number of people in the room, but it was packed, not a lot of personal space and it seemed much, much warmer than usual.  Midway through class people began to have a tough time.  Lots of people leaving the room, dropping to their mats mid-posture, and just general lack of yoga etiquette.  I found myself having an OK class though, not stellar by any means, but solid, with some breaks in Savasana.   I noticed that as the class went on the anxiety level went up in the room.  You could feel it.  The energy in the studio was not positive.  What pleased me was my ability to remain in the moment.  I repeated to myself, "I have control over the present moment only."  Lately, I've been trying my best to practice mindfulness, a component of dialectical behavior therapy.  Staying in the present moment, without judgement is the basic principal.  In hot yoga this is so important.  If you focus on how you fucked up the last pose or you're counting in your head how many postures are left before the end of class, consider yourself gone.  You're on your way to psyching yourself out.  I've let this happen many times.  But today was a small victory. 
The teacher said something quite powerful during one of our rests.  "Leaving the room seems like a good idea.  It's relieving in the short term.  But it teaches us that running away is an acceptable way to deal with discomfort."  This is not only true for hot yoga, but also for life. 

Day 4...it took awhile, but finally happened.

It was a struggle to get to yoga over the past few days.  I'm not overly surprised that my return presented a challenge.  The previous week had been mentally and physically hard on my body.  I've been treating it gingerly.  Allowing myself to take it easy because it's recovering.  I cited a variety of reasons for avoiding class, many of them legitimate...too dehydrated, having a headache, eating too much or too little before class, and so on.  While well meaning, they eventually became excuses.  Depression is often like this.  You wait.  Sometimes a very long time for the motivation to arrive, before taking action..."I'm too tired to go out today, I'll rest, and try tomorrow, or, I won't be any fun, so why bother going out with my friends?" and so forth.  Then one day a very wise person told me something I really already knew, but very much needed to hear all the same.  Often action must come BEFORE the motivation.  Certainly it takes a leap of faith, but there can end up being a reward in the end...more action.  So today I did go to class.  Even though I had a headache, had very little water before class, and ate a couple slices of greasy pizza a couple hours ahead of time.  It still worked out.  I had an average class.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The class really wasn't about challenging myself physically or mentally.  It was about getting going again.  Kind of like starting your car.  I didn't really intend on driving anywhere, I just needed to warm up my engine, so to speak.

Not losing count

A LOT has happened in the past week.  Nothing pertaining to hot yoga, but definitely having to do with my mental health.  I'm going to skip the details.  Because although relevant to the blog, I'm just not "up" for sharing (at least at this point).  What I am up for is a class!  I've been craving the warmth.  So tomorrow my plan is to continue with my count, where I left off.  This in and of itself is a sign of progress for me.  Usually I have a black and white outlook on life.  If it's not perfect, fuck it.  I give up.  Maybe I start over, maybe not.  This time I'm not going to count this as a failure.  It's a week I wasn't able to do hot yoga.  Tomorrow will still be day 4.

Day 3...I don't want to do it!!

It's 5:30 am.  I'm up, dressed, and my bag is packed.  I can't sleep anyways.  Why don't I get my ass out of this chair and go to the 6 am class??  One reason could be yesterday's class is still hanging over me.  I'm scared of a repeat.  FUUUUCK, I don't want to do this.  OK, I'm going...

And I did go.  It wasn't horrible.  The studio is very peaceful and cozy at that hour.  Dimly lit, warm, not many people there.  I was slightly annoyed by a couple new people who showed up 5 minutes before class started...it just delayed things, and that aggravates me.  I'm grateful that class went more smoothly for me today.   My mind was much more calm, the negative voices quiet. 

Oddly, I found that I was STARVING after class.  Maybe it was the time of day, because generally I have a hard time finding anything that sounds appetizing after a class later in the afternoon.

I'm going to try napping now because I'm having a tough time sleeping at night.  The meds I'm on knock me out relatively well, but not for very long.  I'm proud of myself for finishing class early in the day. 

Day 2...at least I went.

I had a really tough class this afternoon.  I suppose it's a good thing we don't know these things ahead of time, because if we did, why would we bother?  I can say I'm grateful my friend Linda came along with me and we had a sunny, semi-warm day to walk to the studio.  The first hour was just brutal for me.  During awkward pose I could begin to feel myself struggling, not only physically, but mentally.  The thoughts started as a whisper but quickly escalated to, "I'm so fucking tired!!  I can't do this!  It's impossible!!  I'm such a wimp!"  You get the point.  I probably laid down half a dozen times.  I felt awful, defeated.  There was no attempt on my part to be compassionate towards myself and that makes me really sad.  It's very much a sign of how little I like myself at the moment.  The voice quieted somewhat during the floor series.  But it was still there.  So as the heading says, at least I went...and had the opportunity to visit with Linda.

This evening I'm feeling exhausted and somewhat irritable.  My back is feeling sore and I don't have much of an appetite. 

Day 1...no witty title.

I took the noon class today.  I've had days where getting out of bed, dressing, packing my bag, etc. seems impossible.  Thankfully this wasn't one of those days.  I actually arrived to the studio earlier than usual.  With only a few students there already I had my choice of prime spots.  My preference is back row and as far from the clock as possible.  Once I was set up I had about 15 minutes to lay in Savasana. Last night I didn't sleep well.  I was anxious, which generally makes my sleep choppy.  As I laid on my mat I began to feel warm and drowsy, and then calm.  The class itself went well.  I had some mild frustration with the balancing series because I fall out of the poses a lot.  But I didn't lay down during them.  That's a first for me actually (just realized this).  Hmmm.  I did right after though, haha.  So now that class is over I'm feeling the usual fatigue that follows.  But I'm not anxious.  I want to crawl back under the covers and close my eyes.  But not because I'm depressed and want to shut the world out.

Day 0...an experiment.

I discovered hot yoga two months ago.  My friend Linda had been attending classes at the studio down the street from where I live in Fremont.  I wasn't at all familiar with the Bikram style and had only gone to one or two "regular" yoga classes in my life.  I read some information online and Linda answered my many, many questions.  I was nervous.  My biggest concern was becoming nauseous or passing out in front of everybody.  Plus, 90 minutes?!?!  She assured me that I could lay down at any time and by drinking plenty of water and having a small snack a few hours beforehand I'd be able to prevent any major discomfort.  I'm immensely grateful to her for going with me that first day because I don't know if I would have been brave enough to try it on my own.

I remember a few specific things from that first experience.  Well, the heat hit me right away, no surprise there.  I was sweating within a couple minutes of just entering the room and setting up my mat.  Seattle can be a very dreary and gray place to live, and this past January was an especially bad month...I found myself grateful for the warmth.  The teacher I had for my first class, Penni, was patient and kind.  She demonstrated the breathing exercises and gave me feedback throughout the class.  I'm about 50 pounds overweight and I was amazed at what the other students were able to do with their bodies, and also slightly self conscious.  The class went by pretty quickly.  I did indeed spend a fair amount of time on my back but I was proud of myself for just staying in the studio for the full 90 minutes.  There were moments I wanted to run out of there and bolt for the nearest exit.  I learned something that day about being still even in the midst of extreme anxiety. Which leads me to why I'm starting this blog...

Since I was a teenager, a good majority of my life has been spent dealing with chronic anxiety and depression.  The severity and form of my symptoms have ebbed and flowed over the years.  At times I've been an extremely social and productive individual.  And at other times I've stayed in bed for stretches of days, often feeling like a physical force is pushing me down into the mattress.  I've used a variety of different medications, therapies, etc. with varying degrees of success.  Bikram yoga seems like one of the more promising options.  In the past two months I've noticed a significant difference on the days I attend a class.  Unfortunately my attendance has been sporadic.  It's been a week since I went to my last class.  My mood has shifted drastically downward.  I have little energy.  I'm isolating, overeating, and having my usual parade of dark thoughts.

So this is what I want to talk about...how will Bikram yoga affect my mental health if I'm going (ideally) every day for one month??  I have no doubt of the physical benefits.  Far more important at this point in my life is my emotional well being and how I can start to enjoy my life again.