Fat, fat, fat...

Get the point? I'm feeling fat. I went to yoga today and was reminded yet again (since my return this past week) that I'm not working with the same body as before. Some of the postures I'm having a hard time with are standing head to knee (more weight in my middle making the bend extremely claustrophobic and tight) and fixed fern. I literally can not get my hips to rest comfortably between my knees. Fixed fern used to be no problem for me. How disappointing. On the upside, my favorite teacher was there today. Love her, very down to earth gal. She talked briefly today about compassion for ourselves and my eyes welled up (seriously? I'm going to cry at yoga). I have no compassion for myself or my body. I hate it right now. I'm not sure what to do about that. The best remedy I can come up with is to continue doing my best to care for the body I have. Act, as if, I suppose. Maybe compassion will come...

Crepes

I had the most amazing dinner with a friend tonight at the Crepe Cafe in Seattle. We shared a bottle of wine, chatted, and had a feast of dinner and dessert crepes. YUM! The company and good meal was just what I needed this week. Today I had a job interview and didn't make it to a yoga class. I plan on going tomorrow to the noon class. Mid-day works well for me. It's not too early and I find it prevents boredom on otherwise tedious days without anything else to do. I'm content right now, and rather sleepy, so that's all for now.

Depression: 2, Joy: 0

The past two days have been wasted for the most part. Lots of time spent laying in bed, thinking about the things I could be doing. But I stay put and time passes slowly.

Each day I try to take care of what my therapist and I call, "the basics". This means showering, taking my meds, going outside, eating and so on. I have kept up with those this weekend but found that much more than that felt impossible. Logically, I know it is possible. I'm capable of doing more and sometimes even enjoying myself. So what is the difference from day to day? It's my thoughts. My ability to treat myself with kindness or cruelness. This weekend I let the cruel thoughts win.

A Humbling Experience

Today was my first time back to the studio in a very long time. I was nervous. I'm not sure what I expected exactly, but I was still surprised at how different it was from the last time I was there. The poses were still familiar to me, but my body wouldn't cooperate. So many times I was reminded of how much weight I've gained. My body just wasn't able to bend and move like it used to. I spent a good majority of the class on my back, simply so exhausted it was hard to move. The image in the mirror showed my face, a fierce, red shade. This isn't at all what I imagined my return to the hot room to be like. But I'm planning on going back tomorrow.

Neglect

My poor, poor body. I've been neglecting it. I don't listen to it anymore. It tries to tell me "I'm full." Or "I'm out of breath." Or the worst, "Why don't you pay any attention to me?" Ugh, I feel so guilty. My body has always been there for me. It gives me relatively few issues besides a stray ache or pain once in awhile. And how do I repay it? I smoke almost everyday, I eat half a pie in a sitting, I let the fat continue to slowly spread. Each of us should think about this. How would we treat our body if it was like a friend? A completely separate individual that needs attention, nurturing and yes, even unconditional love.

I've neglected my blog just like my body. I'm sorry dear friends and body, I'll try to do better and not ignore you every day. You're important. And I need you.

Avoidance

I've been successfully avoiding the yoga studio this month. I went to a class this past Monday. So that makes a whopping 2 classes this month! In yoga's absence I've been attempting to go for more walks and wear my pedometer each day (slightly more successful with this goal). Today I AM going to yoga even though I have a list of reasons I'd like not to go: I have a sore throat, I'm hungry and want to eat right NOW, I'm tired, and...you get the picture. But in a half hour I will start the process of getting ready and I will go. I know afterwords I'll be happy I went and feel better about myself.

Still looking for work. I didn't fully appreciate how bad the job market is. Now I do. I've had a couple interviews, a rejection, and one or two promising leads. It's possible I could have an offer in the next week and that means I will have to do one of the things I hate most: make a decision. It's become apparent to me that the perfect job is not going to just fall from the sky. I'm going to have to accept that something about my new job will not be ideal: the hours, the commute, the benefits, the pay, etc. However, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad fit. What I have to do is figure out what IS a deal breaker for me, and there in lies the decision making. Blerg.

In other news, I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair off. Maybe it's because summer has finally arrived in Seattle or I just want a change. My knitting is going OK...I currently have four active projects and am trying to focus only on them and not start anything new. Not as easy as it sounds!

Depression and Suicide

Depression and Suicide

My List...

Simply put, this is a list of topics I'm considering as possible podcast discussions. The reason I'm listing them here is so people can contribute any ideas they may have for topics surrounding anxiety and depression. Any ideas are fair game, as they say, "there are no bad ideas in brainstorming." So let's hear what you got, :0). Some of mine so far:

1) Depression and friendship (as well as isolation)
2) Depression and marriage (perhaps my husband Adrian would agree to be a special guest star on this episode, perhaps...)
3) Depression and intimacy (I already know the answer Adrian would have for me, a big fat NO)
4) Depression and relapse
5) Depression and medications
6) Depression and alternative health/eastern medicine treatments
7) Depression and self help books/materials
8) Depression with dual diagnosis (for ex. GAD or bipolar disorder)
9) Depression and mindfulness
10) Depression and suicidality

WOW, I didn't think I'd come up with so many ideas...let's hear yours. :0)

The job search...

Nothing new to report about hot yoga, because I haven't been since Tuesday. Need to work on that. In fact, I'm going to look at tomorrow's schedule RIGHT NOW. OK, after looking, the 5pm class will work the best with my schedule. Tomorrow I'm starting a 3 week sock class with my sister, Tina. It's on Saturday mornings and I'm VERY excited to try it! So yoga later in the day makes the most sense.

I've been spending some time looking for a job this week, with very little success. I'm feeling discouraged, but honestly I haven't been looking for all that long. In the past I've just kind of fallen into a new job without really having to make much of an effort. I know I've been lucky and now I'm having to face the fact that it may not be so easy this time around. I've had one interview, sent some resumes out, and emailed a woman that gave me a job offer a few months ago that I declined at the time because of the depression. No dice so far. My ego feels a little bruised when I think about my work life. My past employer doesn't want me back because as a result of the depression I became unreliable and they don't want to take the risk with hiring me back. I can't really blame them, I'm not sure myself of how reliable I will be in the future. But still, it stings. Pretty bad. My past workplace was like a second home. And I miss it.

Today I met with my psychiatrist for the first time since I completed my course of ECT treatments. He thinks I look brighter and I assured him I'm feeling brighter as well. We're not going to make any changes with my meds at this point...if it ain't broke don't fix it, right?? At least that's our take on the present situation. I did ask him about relapse and the statistics available on it. He said that 50% of people relapse within a year after finishing ECT. Hmmm, this made me feel a little sick to my stomach. But one option is to always go in once a month for maintenance should it be needed. For the time being, we just wait and see.

Alrighty, I'm glad I wrote an entry tonight. It definitely helps to let some of my worries and concerns out from inside my head. Over and out.

Where am I going with this?

Where am I going with this?

My return to the hot room...

Today was my first day back to the studio in several weeks. I hadn't gone since ECT started per the advice of my doctor (nothing too strenuous and I think Bikram yoga would fit into that category). My friend Linda and I went together which was a good arrangement considering she hadn't been in a couple weeks either. I think we both feel as if the class kicked our ass pretty damn hard. The biggest struggle I had was with my balance. Physically, I still feel somewhat wonky so trying to stay upright in those conditions was rough...I took LOTS of breaks. But I went. And I'm proud of myself for at least doing that. I may try to fit a class in tomorrow morning between individual therapy and group therapy, but that could be a tight fit, we'll see.

In other news, I'm finding my knitting to be a source of aggravation lately vs. enjoyment. For some reason I just can't "settle" into a project. I just keep hopping from one thing to another. This Saturday I begin a class, Knitting Socks Toe Up w/ Magic Loop. I'm pretty excited...this will be my first attempt at knitting socks!

Next week I'm going to be doing some relief work for the clinic I work (very) PT for during the week. Monday and Tuesday...it's been a looooong time since I've used some of my technical skills like placing catheters, blood draws, etc. so I'm nervous about how I'll perform, but I think they realize that and will hopefully give me a bit of a break. I'm already expecting I'll need to pop a klonipin beforehand.

All in all this week is going fairly well and I hope to blog again soon...

My return to blogging...

I recently decided that I'm going to work on blogging more regularly. I got sidetracked because of ECT and the podcast I started. But blogging has it's benefits. The main one for me being accountability. I have not been back to my yoga studio yet. I intended to go on Saturday but experienced some anxiety about being in the room by myself after such a long time away. I guess I'm worried I'll faint or something. So I planned a yoga date with my friend, Linda (thank you Linda for the support!), for Tuesday. Hopefully having someone on the mat next to me that I know and feel comfortable around will quell some of that nervousness.

I talked with my therapist Denice about going back to work and we both agreed it could be beneficial if I start out slowly and look for a part time job. Certainly this is a very wise approach to returning to work, right?? So what do I do the very next day? You guessed it. I applied for a full time job. Brilliant, just brilliant. WTF is wrong with me? So in my defense I liked this particular job listing because it gave the impression of providing a positive work environment. You know what I mean, I got a good vibe. But it is full time. And this is exactly what my therapist and I discussed avoiding...can't wait to share this with her. Especially since I got an interview for the position on Thursday. Eh, oh well, I'll try not to look too far into the future...a lot can happen between now and getting an actual offer.

Let's see, what else? In regards to my knitting I was making nice progress on a shawl for my mother-in-law, Kathy. But then there was an unfortunate slip that resulted in an error I could not fix. This was fairly devastating to me since I was probably a good third of the way done with it...further along on a project than I've been in awhile. So I frogged it and am now working on a scarf for myself actually. It has a lace body with fringe and beads. I'm really into incorporated beads with my knitting lately. I'm not very far along at all since I just started a couple hours ago.

What I've been up to...

Haven't been here in awhile. Not sure why, probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't been going to hot yoga, and therefore, have little to report. But there's been other stuff happening and I might as well share. I'm on my third and what appears to be my final week of ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). The treatments have definitely helped. My brain feels as if it's been zapped (literally) awake. Unfortunately, this improvement doesn't come without a price. Your short term memory takes quite a hit. Following a treatment I struggle with remembering the moments, minutes, hours before I was anesthetized. It sucks. You just feel a little "off". I feel as if I've gotten what benefit I can from it, now it's time to work on the other stuff again...hot yoga, DBT group, individual therapy, and spending time with my friends. I think I'll make my grand re-entrance (ha) to the yoga studio Saturday at noon (Jenn, my favorite instructor is teaching). Hopefully this will work out with our holiday weekend plans: we're going to see Adrian's parents up north. I've been working on knitting a shawl for his mother but I just don't think I'm going to have it done by the weekend, nerds.
I really have the itch as of late to go back to work. Badly. I'm going to talk to my therapist, Denice, today to see what she thinks. I'm so impatient...I just want to get on with living my life.

Officially podcasting!

Take a listen if you'd like...the first recording is simply an introduction. I hope people like it! :-)

http://allthingsjoy.podbean.com/

A share...

A dear friend sent this to me by email and I wanted to pass it on to someone, so here it is:


I will never bring about world peace. I will not save the rain forest.

I'm not a brain surgeon and I'll never transplant an organ to save a life.

I don't have the ear of a powerful politician or world power.

I can't end world hunger.

I'm not a celebrity, and God knows I'm not glamorous!

I'm not looked up to by millions around the world. Very few people even recognize my name.

I'll never win the Nobel prize.

I'll never save the rain forest or end global warming.

There are a lot of things that I'll never do or become.

But today I placed a dog!

It was a small, scared, bundle of flesh and bones that was dropped off in a shelter by unfeeling people that didn't care what happened to it, but yet who were responsible for it even having existence in the first place.

I found it a home.

It now has contentment and an abundance of love. A warm place to sleep and plenty to eat. A child has a warm fuzzy new friend who will give them unquestioning devotion and teach them about responsibility and love.

A wife and mother has a new spirit to nurture and care for. A husband and a father has a companion to sit at his feet at the end of a hard day of work and help him relax and enjoy life. And a sense of security, that when he is gone all day at work, that there is a protector and a guardian in his home to keep watch over his family.

No, I'm not a rocket scientist but today I saved one of God's precious creatures. Today, I made a difference!

I Am An Animal Rescuer

My job is to assist God's creatures

I was born with the need to fulfill their needs

I take in new family members without plan, thought or selection

I have bought dog food with my last dime

I have patted a mangy head with a bare hand

I have hugged someone vicious and afraid

I have fallen in love a thousand times

and I have cried into the fur of a lifeless body

I have Animal Friends and friends who have Animal Friends

I don't often use the word "pet"

I notice those lost at the road side

And my heart aches

I will hand raise a field mouse

And make friends with a vulture

I know of no creature unworthy of my time

I want to live forever if there aren't animals in Heaven

But I believe there are!

Why would God make something so perfect and leave it behind?

We may be master of the animals,

But the animals have mastered themselves

Something people still haven't learned

War and abuse make me hurt for the world

But a rescue that makes the news gives me hope for humankind

We are a quiet but determined army

And making a difference every day

There is nothing more necessary than warming an orphan

Nothing more rewarding than saving a life

No higher recognition than watching them thrive

There is no greater joy than seeing a baby play

who only days ago, was too weak to eat

I am an Animal Rescuer

My work is never done

My home is never quiet

My wallet is always empty

But my heart is always full

In the game of life, I have already won!

~ Annette King Tucker ~

Gonna stop the count.

Greetings readers,

I've been away awhile because I haven't had any hot yoga related news to share with you all. Today I did go to a class, the first in 10 days. The past couple weeks have been really tough for me. My depression got severely worse which I do attribute partly to NOT going to yoga. But also my negative thinking and ruminating have had a major effect on my mood. So lots of my time has been spent in bed, crying, going to therapy, texting/calling my therapist when I'm not at therapy (lol, god I'm lucky), and figuring out other treatment plans with my psychiatrist. My doctor and I both agree that medication isn't cutting it. He did make some changes to doses and added Abilify to the mix. However, the big news is I'm going to be starting ECT in a week. I've questioned many doctors about the treatment and have always been discouraged from pursuing it (even by my current doc). It's still a controversial treatment and the medical community is largely at odds on it...probably because they aren't sure exactly why it works. But it is effective (70-75%) and I think I can handle the side effects. I think my psychiatrist became much more supportive of the idea when he saw the state I was in this week...complete agony is a good description. So that's where things are at currently.

Class today was good, quite full actually. I got pretty dizzy when laying on my back and I think this is probably due to the medication changes. The month I paid for ends on May 3rd and I don't think I'll be going much after that for the next few weeks. My ECT doctor said exercise is OK, but not to work too hard. So I think I might be sticking with walks and the gym if my mood allows. Take it a little easy. In other news it looks like I am going to start a podcast! I'm pretty excited about it. I've already recorded the first one and my husband and I are just working on figuring out how to get it up and running. So I will be back with a link for anyone that would like to hear it...soon I hope!

Day 28...should I stay or should I go?

Well, I went and I laid down A LOT, but I stayed. Man, I wanted out of that room pretty fiercely a couple times. When I had my appointment with my therapist yesterday we talked about how important it was for me to get to yoga. The idea we came up with was to plan on going to the 6am class if possible. If that time didn't work out, then try to go to the noon. And if I STILL haven't gone, then the 4pm class is the next option...and so on and so on. So that hopefully with multiple options, I increase my odds of getting there. Today I made it to the 4pm class, so that gives you a sense of what my motivation was like, haha. I sure wish yesterday and today would have been a stronger class for me because I know how much that helps for the next day. But as I already said, I made it there and that's enough for now.

A big part of the reason I made it there was looking at other people's blogs and also reading Catherine's kind comment (thank you btw, very kind of you). It's comforting to know that it's not just me that fights the internal struggle for peace.

Day 27...my return

Today was my first day back to yoga after a week long absence. I wish I could say it was great to be back. But it was a hard class and my body felt some loss of stamina. I'd like to simply be proud for going. Period. However, I'm feeling very apathetic and low energy. I know it's the depression and if I'm patient this bout will pass at it usually does. I guess I just hoped that going to yoga would be the magic fix for the last terrible week. And that I'd crave another class tomorrow. No such luck.

The past few days...

This week has been a tough one. I haven't been to yoga since Monday. Nothing in particular happened or is requiring my immediate attention or time. I've hit a slump. I know these slumps are going to happen. This isn't my first and it certainly won't be my last. Most of my time has been spent at home. In bed. This afternoon I got up and cleaned the house for 4 hours. I'm not sure where that spurt of energy came from but I used it until it ran out. And now I'm back in bed. I've been taking more klonipin (an anti-anxiety med) than I'd ordinarily take. I like the feeling of numbness and apathy that it brings. I know this isn't a great trend to start. I'm not sure what's next for me. I keep expecting the next day to be a little better than the last. For now, I'm letting my depression dictate my days. Until I decide to become more involved in this decision, it wins.

Partly cloudy days...

I haven't posted for a couple days because there hasn't been much to report unfortunately. I'm planning on the 6am class tomorrow morning if my workload allows (I got kind of a funky schedule). But I've been up plenty early this week so I think I can swing it.

Tuesday and Wednesday weren't especially busy, but they were overwhelming. I struggled with making it to group today and I had some frustration and irritation with a knitting project I'm working on. Tomorrow is a new day and I see no reason it can't be a little better than the rest of the week. Now I'm going to see if I can post a pic on this thing. It may be technically beyond me. You'll now it was if you look down and see nothing. ;-)

Yeah, not gonna happen, frick.

Day 26...Podcasting

Ever since I started listening to podcasts I've been more and more intrigued by the idea of doing one of my own. I find it very similar to blogging really. It's another way to tell a story and document what's going on in your life. I've always hated the sound of my own voice. You know when you review a voice mail before sending it? On the rare occasions I've done that I always cringe at what I sound like. But I'm also not crazy about my writing ability either. When I write I find thoughts popping into my head so quickly I can't get them down in an articulate way. With talking aloud there's less censorship and more of an unedited account. I like that capability. So I'm considering that.

Did the 4pm class with Kristen today. It was full and there were a couple new people. They "kind of" annoyed me in the sense that they were almost goofing off. But then I think, why does Bikram need to be so serious? I like it when teachers use humor and who's to say people shouldn't have fun while they're practicing. Perhaps I'm just jealous, hmmmm.

Liz: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. [pause] No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed.... no, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... well, that is just... oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks! [hangs up]

Day 25...wise mind

I mentioned in a previous post that I went to my first DBT group last week. You know, I should probably just mention briefly what DBT is in case someone reading is like, wtf? So DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy. It's a therapeutic approach that uses four main "modules" to expand one's coping skills. The modules include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. It was initially used for people with Borderline Personality Disorder but over the past 10 years or so the approach has expanded to help many dealing with a wide variety of other issues/mental illness. Honestly, I think the skills taught could be helpful to anyone. I'm a huge proponent of DBT and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Regardless of what is going on, we only have control over the current moment. The same logic applies to our past. It happened. Now what am I going to do about it?? So anyhow, DBT has a variety of "jargon". One piece of jargon I picked up at the first meeting was "wise mind". The following is a brief description from M. Linehan (developer of DBT):

"Wise mind refers to that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap. Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth. It is where the person knows something to be true or valid. It is almost always quiet, It has a certain peace. It is where the person knows something in a centered way."

Basically, you can think of it as your "gut feeling" or intuition. NOW I can tell you why I mention wise mind (thank you for your patience). My homework for the week between groups was to practice/notice wise mind a couple times. During yoga class tonight I gave it a try.

I had what I considered a decent class. I rested, but I put forth a solid effort in all the poses. And I was feeling it. By 7:15 I felt exhausted. I got a bit of that panicky feeling in my chest. The heat seemed to be pushing me into the ground and I considered leaving the room. Here's a couple of the thoughts I had as I was laying there: "I'm going to die. The heat is going to smother me. I can't breathe." Silly, right?? That's the seduction of our emotional mind though. It absolutely feels real. We even have the bodily sensations that add to this deception. Racing heart, dizziness, etc. This isn't the first time I've had this experience during hot yoga. Each time it happens I remind myself to breathe. As I begin to calm down a little it becomes clear that the heat is not going to strangle the life out of me and I move on in the class. Tonight I acknowledged this entire process from beginning to end. The balance between reasonable mind and emotional mind is a large part of Bikram yoga for me right now. Lots of time to practice wise mind...

Instead of a 30 Rock quote I wanted to tell you an idea I have for a reality TV show. Celebrities doing Bikram yoga. I thought of it during class when for some reason I imagined the cast of LOST doing a class. I know, I'm weird.

Day 24...the internal battle

This evening I'm experiencing quite a bit of sadness and irritability. Mainly with myself. I went to the gym this afternoon and did 45 minutes of cardio. When I got home I was hungry and probably waited too long to eat, which can cause a drop in my mood. My husband and I were arguing about what to do for dinner. And as is usually the case, we weren't in agreement. He wanted to go out and I wanted to stay home. This is a common issue that arises for us as a couple. Because of the depression I rarely want to go out or do anything. This frustrates him and then I get upset that he doesn't "get it" and is mad at me for something that feels out of my control. So we didn't go out and I feel guilty and angry about it. And what drives me even more crazy is that when I get into these moods I'm quite often bored. Going out WOULD help. It's an on-going battle. Who will win?? The depression and anxiety or the piece of me that wants to be free of this.

I'm missing my Bikram classes and plan to go tomorrow. The past two days I chose not to go due to the teacher schedule. I'm just so concerned/anxious about having a new teacher I avoid the studio completely.

OK, I could use a laugh, so here's my daily dose of Lemon:

Liz: What’s going on, business got ya down?
Jack: Business doesn’t get me down, business gets me off.

Day 23...Greenlake

I struggled a bit getting going this afternoon and eventually decided to take a walk.  A couple miles from my house is Greenlake.  A man made lake with a paved trail about 3 miles long.  Definitely not one of my favorite places to walk, but it's close.  On warm, sunny days the trail can be packed.  It can feel as if you're driving on a freeway.  Weaving in and out, trying to avoid dogs, strollers, and sometimes even bikes.  Thankfully today was overcast and actually fairly chilly.  I tried to walk somewhat briskly to get my heartrate up but I can't always tell if my pace is consistent.  I had my MP3 player to listen to but still got a little bored.  I do like seeing all the dogs though.  They always get a smile from me and occasionally I'll acknowledge the owner.  ;-)  I also got to see some turtles laying out on a log, cute.  Not much more going on today.  I don't think I've mentioned this in previous entries, but my favorite hobby is knitting.  So a good part of the rest of the day was spent working on a shawl.  I just recently discovered podcasts too...so cool!  They're great for listening to while I knit.

Speaking of knitting...

Jack: Sure... I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says "healthy body image" on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for ... a week.
Pete: That is dead on!
Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don't want me to do that.

Wednesday and Day 22

As I expected, Wednesday was a busy day for me and I allowed myself to just take it easy and not put the pressure on to get to a class.  It's a funny thing.  I remember not so long ago a busy day would go something like this: work a physically and emotionally draining 11 hour shift, followed by going out with friends or doing something with my husband.  Things have really changed.  Yesterday I had an appointment (individual therapy) and group (my first DBT session) that took about four hours and when I got home I was exhausted.  Granted, the whole time was spent dealing with my current mental state and how I can start to cope better.  The idea of  "getting better" isn't always appealing.  Depression can create a comfortable and predictable existence.  The suffering is intense, but in a sense, it's home.  It's familiar.  So focusing on ways to not let it control my life can be overwhelming and often anxiety provoking.  That was Wednesday.

Today I went to the 4pm class taught by Lisa (my first time with her I think).  I tend to steer myself towards classes where I'm familiar with the teacher.  Haha, very much like what I described above.  I'm a creature of habit.  Not one for being spontaneous.  Don't like change.  I think you get it. :-)  So when I go to a class with a "new" teacher, I'm always a little anxious of how it's going to go.  In truth, I've liked every single teacher (certainly I prefer some over others) at the studio I go to.  But it might be a good idea, and challenge really, for myself to branch out a little more.  I'll check the schedule for tomorrow and see what I can figure out...

I sure hope there's a new 30 Rock episode tonight!! 

"Creativity to me is just like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all ideas and shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty"--Lemon

Day 21

I'm not sure of my purpose now in numbering the days, but eh, I'll just go with it.  I was up early enough to make it to the 6am class.  I really do like going at that time.  Even if I am a little stiff.  Not many people, and I find it easier to keep my focus.  I noticed during the balancing series that I've made some progress.  Maybe I'm getting better at locking my knee.  Still, I envy those around me that are able to kick back in standing bow.  For now I just need to work on finding my balance, strength, and determination. 

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me.  I have appointments most the morning and a good part of the afternoon.  I may not make it to class and hopefully I can handle that without getting overly critical of myself.

Today's Lemon:
Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Day 19 & 20

Sunday I went to the gym with my husband instead of a yoga class.  I did the elliptical for 30 minutes and then some upper body weights.  I was surprised by how boring the elliptical was.  I liked listening to my music, but there was no processing of information or direction.  Just the steady (pretty boring) movement of my legs.  I did weigh myself at the gym since I don't have a scale at home and I have lost a few pounds.  I'm always skeptical about relying on weight to judge progress.  But in my everyday life I usually wear baggy, loose fitting clothes so I can't really tell if the fit has changed.  My arms were slightly sore today from the weights.

Today I went to the 4pm class with Saiko.  It was really packed.  Only a foot or so between people.  As soon as I walked into the studio and signed in I grabbed a free spot (I'm lucky I got one, and this was 10 minutes before class).  When I got settled and was resting on my back I started to think about how many people were in the room.  I had some anxiety and became fidgety.  As I've gotten older I've become less and less tolerant in crowds, sometimes coming close to a panic attack.  Adrian and I used to go to concerts a lot...Dave Matthews usually.  The last DMB concert we went to was at the Gorge (an outdoor amphitheater) about 2 years ago.  It wasn't so bad early on in the day.  We sat near the top of the hill.  No one was around us and I felt comfortable.  But by the beginning of the concert people had closed in around us.  I was upset.  Worried a drunken concert goer would stumble into our space or worse, vomit near me.  I ended up leaving the area a couple songs in.  I walked over to the concessions area which was deserted by then, the workers starting to close their booths up.  I sat at a picnic table and cried.  It sucked.  I was at a concert I wanted to go to and all I could do was listen to the music, not able to see a thing.  But that was the choice I made then.  Tonight I stayed for class even though the thought did cross my mind to leave while I still could.  The class went fine.  Some of the postures were difficult with little space, but we managed.  And I'm never a fan of getting sweat flung at me from different directions.  Oh well, I'm pretty sure I fling mine around too. :-)

D'oh, almost forgot my daily dose of Lemon:

Floyd: Well, that movie was a waste of time.
Liz Lemon: I found it moving... my bowels.

Day 18...4:10pm

Can I just say I really, really, really don't want to go??  This is killing me.  I have no motivation to go anymore.  Even if Jenn is teaching tonight (one of my favorites).  Plus, I have to buy another month today and it's always hard to spend that much money on something I don't want to do and haven't been doing regularly in the past week or so.  I wonder, is it going to end up being a waste of money?  Here's to hoping class #18 actually happens and I can walk through the front door of the studio...

Day 18 is done.  I made it to the 5pm class.  Really packed tonight, a few new people.  There was this really bitchy woman behind me that came into the room before class, looked around, and got all pissy that somebody was in "her spot".  Whatever, I didn't realize it was assigned seating.  Some dude chose to wear a banana hammock, gross.  Not sure if you've caught on yet, but it wasn't a great class, ha.  I made the mistake of downing a Gatorade right before class and paid the consequences...felt bloated and queasy throughout the 90 minutes.  I laid down a lot.  Mentally, I wasn't in the room today.  I focused on how uncomfortable I was and counted down by posture how near the end we were.  Huh, I guess I was in the room...but not the way I hoped.

I'm adding a Lemonism (seriously, that word didn't pop up as misspelled?? weird) to each entry.  They make me happy.  So here's today's (a long one, but a classic):

I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today. --Liz Lemon

Day 17...time to reassess...

I realized today that yesterday marked the end of the month (and no, not because I had an April Fool's Day joke played on me...yet.)  With a new month started I realized that it's probably a good time to reassess my goals for the next 30 days.  For March, I went more days of the month than not.  I consider that an achievement.  Certainly the most regular activity I've gotten in, well, years.  I love reading other people's blogs.  I find them so inspiring and how hard some work on their challenges is amazing!  But I'm not a challenge girl.  At least not right now.  Missing a class would be devastating for me.  And I'm in no shape at the current moment to "do doubles", crazy yoga people!! ;-)  So I'm going to be realistic.  I have limitations at the moment, mainly mental, but some physical as well.  Goal setting needs to be reachable for my own sanity.  So my goal this month is to attend more classes than last month, even if that means 18. :-)  Also, my blog has been focused on whether or not Bikram is beneficial for someone with depression and anxiety.  For me, I can wholeheartedly say YES.  No question.  So I'm going to focus on what difference activity has on my moods.  Bikram is a BIG part of that.  It provides a mental component to exercise that I've never experienced with other activities.  So that's my plan for the next month...

I went to the 6am class today with Saiko.  Not my original plan, but I was up at 4:30am and figured, why not?  Getting the class done earlier in the day was probably the wise choice since I've been having a very hard time getting to classes later in the day recently.  It was a decent class.  I wasn't nearly as stiff or tight as I
was in the previous 6am class I took.  Two postures I've been really struggling with lately are triangle and locust.  I detest them.  Triangle I often do one set of and then lay down on my mat.  Locust I can usually power through, but I hate every moment of it, esp. coming up on both legs.  They're like a newfound nemesis.  I took a nap when I got home and woke up close to noon.  The rest of the afternoon I've been feeling slightly sluggish and hungry (but nothing sounds appetizing once again).  But then again, I've had no coffee. ;-)

Don't feel like talking.

The heading pretty much sums it up.  A series of events soured my mood and I'm choosing (and I hate using that word because it feels impossible, but of course I know it's ultimately up to me) not to exercise today.

Day 16...I hate Seattle

There's no love lost between Seattle and I.  Let me explain...

I've lived in Seattle all my life...I'm bored.  I want to see something new.  Traffic is terrible.  The weather is worse.  On a warm sunny day I appreciate the city more, but this time of year is just bad.  My husband actually bought vitamin D in a bottle this weekend, he has a vitamin D deficincy just from living here!  Actually, many people do.  Parking can be miserable too.  Here's an example for your reading pleasure:

I drove to the yoga studio today for the noon class.  Ordinarily I don't drive because it's only half a mile away, but I had an errand to run after class.  The lot in front of the studio was already full and parking on the side streets was packed.  I circled the block once, nothing.  As I started a second loop I began thinking.  Seriously, will this be the second day in a row I can't find parking??  I quickly became frustrated and vowed to myself I'd just go home and hibernate if I didn't find a spot.  I did find a spot, only one hour...hmmm, do I chance it?  Fuck it, I took it.  As I grabbed my bag and got out of the car a parking enforcement vehicle passed by.  Really??  Once again I debated with myself.  In the end I decided a parking ticket would be better than not going to class.  Probably not the decision many would make, but at this point in my week I knew another day without exercise would have serious consequences.  So I went to class and it went OK.  And when I walked up to my car I was relieved to see that there was no ticket.  I'm such a bad ass risk taker, ha.

Blah.

Another day I didn't make it to the mat.  This morning I woke up with a sore neck.  Very ouchy on one side.  I assume I slept on it funny.  I tried to stretch it out, but I think I actually made it worse.  I took some Ibuprofen and used a heating pad, it helped slightly.  The idea of turning my head side to side while in Savasana for the cobra series didn't sound very pleasant.  I wasn't in the best of moods but I knew I needed some activity today.  So I decided to go to the gym instead.  I drive to the gym and there's no parking spots.  I said fuck it and left.  One of those days where everything just seems hard.  And its been pouring rain for the past two days which doesn't help.  I'm pretty down and I'm hoping that I can shake it off tomorrow and get some exercise (whatever that may be).  When I have strings of bad days (which this is becoming) I become very depressed, very quickly.  I get irritable, tired, and end up crying a lot.  I don't want to go there.  I'd rather go to yoga.

Skip day...

No yoga on this very rainy Sunday.  I had planned on a late afternoon class but I'm just too comfy at home.  Due to my inability to type today I'll make this entry short and sweet.  Planning on going to the 4pm class tomorrow.

Day 15...Blerg.

I don't know what's happening with my body but it feels as if it's decided to reject yoga.  I missed class Thursday and ever since I've felt stiff, sore, and completely inflexible.  It's like I haven't been practicing for the past 3 months at all!  WTF??  I'm discouraged.  Yesterday I accepted that my body was just not warmed up very well at that early hour.  But today I went at noon.  I'd been up for a couple hours, walked to the studio, and just assumed my body wouldn't be so tight.  On the positive side, I wasn't nearly as hard on myself today.  I tried to just go with the flow and not focus too much on my limitations.  So that's good.  I'm still going tomorrow and I'm hitting up the 4pm class to see if there's a difference.  I've also been considering trying to add some different activities to supplement the hot yoga.  I'd like to start riding my bike again now that the weather is starting to improve.  Plus going for walks and hikes are more appealing as it warms up as well.  I'm ready to cancel my gym membership that I rarely use.  That saves $40/mth that can go towards yoga.  And I'd like to do some ab and upper body work.  I have hand weights so this could be done at home, preferrably after yoga while I'm still warmed up.  So I've got some options.

Regardless of the activity, I know it helps.  It's really that simple.  Even a crappy yoga class has it's benefits.

Day 14...my "6am body"...

Last night I decided I wanted to try to make the 6am class if at all possible.  I was thinking it would be good to get it done early in the day since I had some appointments scheduled for later this afternoon.  Also, I was concerned I might have a hard time getting there because of not going yesterday (I know how my mind works).

When I arrived at the studio the teacher greeted me and commended me for coming in so early.  I responded that I was genuinely happy to be there (which was the truth).  Soooo, when I bent forward in half moon pose to do hands to feet I was surprised that my body was not at all in agreement with my mind.  What the what??  I couldn't believe how stiff I was.  After the posture, the teacher said to honor the body we brought in with us today.  Be patient.  She emphasized that our bodies are different at 6am vs. other times.  Oooooh, OK.  But I quickly lost patience with myself.  Everything seemed harder.  I felt so tight and apparently I have no balance whatsoever at that hour.  I finally laid down in Savasana during the balancing series because I was worried I would make other people fall out of their postures.  Ugh.  Talk about humbling.  I think 4pm classes are best for me at the moment.

Not one of my better days.

No yoga today.  Been struggling with a few things.  One of my cats is sick, only a cold at the moment, but I worry, and I hate to see my kitties uncomfortable.  Plus the other cats in my crew are starting to sneeze.  Even I'm feeling a bit froggy (am I turning into a cat??  I hope so!)...

I'm also not sleeping well, possibly due to a temporary change in meds.  When I do finally fall asleep I'm having horrible dreams.  Whenever I wake up from a bad dream I feel like a cloud is hanging over me.  The gloom just lingers for a bit, never fun.  And speaking of clouds...yesterday was a GORGEOUS day in Seattle...sunny and almost 70!  Wonderful!!  This morning I woke up to a very gray, rainy morning.  WTF??  So I'm done complaining now...I just wanted to make sure I convince people (and myself, ahem) I have plenty of good reasons (well, excuses really) for not making it to yoga. 

Life is not without it's blah days and on this one I choose to stay home, knit, and feel sorry for my sick kitties.  Tomorrow I have a couple doctor's appointments and another opportunity to go to yoga...

Day 13...gross

I already feel guilty for what I'm about to say, but it did dominate my attention through most of class.  The guy beside me was so distracting.  I knew I was going to have a hard time concentrating during the backward bend in half moon pose...that's when he started to grunt.  Loudly.  Throughout the class he made an assortment of noises...dude, it sounded like he was having sex over there.  Yuck!  I don't want to think about that during yoga.  I don't want to think about ANYTHING if at all possible.  Putting a positive spin on things, at least the guy was trying hard, props to him for that. {closed mouth breathing is a lovely thing}

Today I made it out of the house before class and ran some errands.  Nothing too exciting...grocery store, coffee shop, etc.  But I got more accomplished than I do on most days.  I even got a pedicure and brow wax.  I hate my feet and I've noticed I look at my feet alot more since starting yoga.  The pedicure was definitely much needed and it did make me a little happier to see my painted toenails as I practiced today.

Day 12...WOW

So today was my very first class that I didn't take Savasana (other than the designated ones).  I was pleasantly surprised considering I usually take 1-2 during standing series.  I don't expect that tomorrow will be the same because every day is different.  I guess I was just very focused and unusually determined. 

Day 11...my diet

By diet I don't mean I'm going on a diet, but rather what I'm eating.  I mentioned chocolate chip cookies in my last post and I have indeed been enjoying them...very much in excess.  I always kick myself for making or bringing in certain sweets into the house.  There are foods I simply have no control over.  Candy, cookies, pie, cake, and even ice cream at times.  Sugar is like crack for me.  I take medications to sleep and if I wake up in the middle of the night I will go out to the kitchen and binge.  Partly this is due to the medications.  They can give me the munchies and also I'm half asleep and therefore I don't have a whole lot of self control or even self awareness at the time.  It got so bad that if there was something in the house that I was likely to "sleep eat" my husband would hide it before bed.  I know, pretty pathetic.  It does work though.

Since I've started yoga my appetite for sweets hasn't really lessened (see above), but it's easier to avoid the foods.  This is a pattern I've noticed before.  When I'm exercising regularly I pay more attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and I tend to make better food choices in general.  One thing that seems different with yoga vs. other forms of exercising is the change in my appetite.  In the past my appetite would increase.  With yoga I find it hard to find anything that sounds good.  Except for the sweets of course.  But when lunch or dinner time rolls around I struggle, food doesn't appeal to me and often I feel as if I'm forcing it down just to get something in my stomach.  From what I've read this isn't abnormal.  Most people notice a change in their appetite when doing Bikram, either an increase or a decrease.  This isn't necessarily static, it can always shift and change.  For now I think the best thing I can do is keep the sugar out of the house and find a few things that don't completely disgust me food wise (today I made a smoothie and added some protein to it).

Side note:  I'm definitely more thirsty.  During class today my thoughts kept wandering to how good a gigantic lemonade would taste.  So I picked one up at Subway on the way home, at least it was the light kind. :-)

Day 10...back to it

First day back after my day off and it was hard to get there.  I had a rough morning.  Sundays I work as a relief nurse for the animal hospital we live below.  It involves doing treatments and caring for the patients and boarders there.  I woke up cranky and bitter that I couldn't just sleep in.  Instead I went upstairs to do my work.  My mood deteriorated quickly as I went about trying to get things done.  Eventually my anger turned into a full blown rage.  I stomped back downstairs, slammed the door, and went back to bed.  My husband attempted to talk to me and calm me down, but I wanted nobody near me.  I took a couple klonipin and as I waited for them to kick in my anger subsided, turning into guilt and sadness that these "episodes" still happen.  They've become less frequent, but when they do happen they're bad and I can fall quickly into a deep depression.  Since I don't have many coping skills (yet) I rely on medication to calm me down.  And time.  My hysterical sobbing stopped and I fell asleep for a couple hours.  I felt better when I woke up.  Not great.  But able to finish my work and make it to yoga class.  It was a decent class.  It feels as if I pulled my hamstring so we'll see how that feels in the morning.  For now I'm going to go take a shower and have some chocolate chip cookies. 

One of my favorite 30 Rock lines:
“Hey, where are my Sno-balls? I’m going to the gym later so I deserve a treat” --Liz Lemon

Day off and A's B-day...

Today was my husband's birthday and we celebrated by going to visit the beach.  I realized while driving that I hadn't seen the ocean in many years.  In fact, I estimate that I have not chosen to spend more than a few hours (3-4 tops, I think) away from home since last summer.  I avoid most social activities and instead spend most of my time at home, by myself, or with my husband.  I know it's not healthy.  But it feels comfortable and safe.  Isolation breeds more isolation.  So it was good to be out today, even if I was thinking about home more often than I'd like.  I got to see the Olympic Peninsula for the first time and visit the ocean again.  Perhaps yoga helped prep me for the trip.  Everyday that I make it to class I'm away from home for at least 90 minutes, that's a step in the right direction.

Day 9...a down day

I did make it to yoga today.  It was another battle to get there, which is disheartening.  The only thing that keeps me from flaking out is the reality that if I don't go I'm going to end up feeling VERY bad about myself.  I went to the 4 o'clock class with Erika and had two incidents where I completely bit it.  I'm talking a full on collapse out of the posture.  The first spill was coming out of the last part of awkward pose.  I fell backwards a couple feet and caught myself with my hands.  Shit.  Very noticeable, and therefore, very embarrassing.  The second time was during camel.  I went for my heels, was able to grab both, but just didn't have the arm strength to hold it.  Another fall backwards.  I guess I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself.  I stayed with it though.  Finished the class and walked home, a bit defeated. 

The plan is to take tomorrow off, which I have some reservations about.  It's my husband's birthday and we're taking a day trip to Ruby Beach.  The weather is supposed to be clear and warm.  I'm worried that if I take a day off, I'll have a hard time returning to class on Sunday.  I'm proud of myself for finishing 6 days in a row, but I always think I am capable of doing better.  However, the decision I'm making to take tomorrow off is being made ahead of time and for good reason.  Not because I'm letting my depression and anxiety call the shots.  I'm hoping this will make Sunday a bit easier to get back into the swing of things.

Day 8...that makes 5 days in a row!!

Today was another record breaker for me...the first time I've made it 5 days in a row.  I was also able to make it through the standing series with only one break, which is also a first for me.  I had originally planned on going to the noon class, but I had just woke up from a nap and was pretty unmotivated.  So I decided to aim for the 4pm class.  As the time rolled nearer I was more and more reluctant to go.  I was feeling stubborn.  Obviously I made it to class, but not without some encouragement and prodding from my husband.  I know the yoga is helping.  My mood is noticably better and I think I have more energy as well.  This makes it all the more perplexing that I don't want to keep it up. 

I got some good news today.  I found out a spot opened up for a DBT group...usually you have to wait months to get in, but I lucked out.  The group will hopefully help me even more in feeling better.  I mention this because it's probably not fair to give all the credit to yoga for my improvements.  There's a lot of different factors that play into the overall effect.  So yoga is really only one piece of the pie.  Mmmm, pie.

Day 7...Happy St. Patrick's Day

I did the 4pm class with Penni today.  Not very full, perhaps because of the holiday.  Not much of a St. Patty's Day fan...I don't really like beer and I hate crowded bars.  No thank you, I'll pass!  My friend Linda and I went together and it was nice to have the company.  Today was actually a record breaker for me.  It was the first time I've done more than 3 classes in a row.  Usually my body poops out after the third day and begs for a day of rest.  But this week my body is accommodating the daily regimen fairly well.  I have some sore muscles, but Ibuprofen and the stretching are enough to keep me going.

I thought I'd talk about fear briefly because I've noticed it coming up more and more in class.  There are a couple poses I'm having some major hesitation in.  Camel is one of these postures.  It's a backward bending move that eventually requires you to bend back far enough to hold your heels.  So your torso curves like a bridge.  I can do the backward bend quite well and feel myself progressing as I'm able to look further and further back during each class.  But I'm terrified of moving my hands off my hips and going ALL THE WAY BACK to grab my heels.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I think I'll hurt myself.  Or perhaps I don't want to look foolish in front of other people in the event "it doesn't work out".  Likely more the latter.  I've struggled with this often throughout my life.  This need for approval from others and a desire to be liked and blend in.  Most of us know this generally doesn't work out as we have absolutely no control over other's judgements.  But still, we attempt to please those around us.   Eventually I'm going to have to go for my heels and who knows how it will go.  But I do want to get there, preferrably without feeling self conscious or timid.

Day 6...a nooner

I did the noon class with Kristen today.  Very tired and drowsy following class.  Just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.  Bummed I don't have more energy, but glad I went. 

Day 5...lots of distractions

So it was a beautiful day in Seattle, sunny and in the 60's I think.  I was thinking class wouldn't be very full given the opportunities to exercise outside today.  I was wrong...very full and lots of new people for some reason.  I'm terrible at estimating the number of people in the room, but it was packed, not a lot of personal space and it seemed much, much warmer than usual.  Midway through class people began to have a tough time.  Lots of people leaving the room, dropping to their mats mid-posture, and just general lack of yoga etiquette.  I found myself having an OK class though, not stellar by any means, but solid, with some breaks in Savasana.   I noticed that as the class went on the anxiety level went up in the room.  You could feel it.  The energy in the studio was not positive.  What pleased me was my ability to remain in the moment.  I repeated to myself, "I have control over the present moment only."  Lately, I've been trying my best to practice mindfulness, a component of dialectical behavior therapy.  Staying in the present moment, without judgement is the basic principal.  In hot yoga this is so important.  If you focus on how you fucked up the last pose or you're counting in your head how many postures are left before the end of class, consider yourself gone.  You're on your way to psyching yourself out.  I've let this happen many times.  But today was a small victory. 
The teacher said something quite powerful during one of our rests.  "Leaving the room seems like a good idea.  It's relieving in the short term.  But it teaches us that running away is an acceptable way to deal with discomfort."  This is not only true for hot yoga, but also for life. 

Day 4...it took awhile, but finally happened.

It was a struggle to get to yoga over the past few days.  I'm not overly surprised that my return presented a challenge.  The previous week had been mentally and physically hard on my body.  I've been treating it gingerly.  Allowing myself to take it easy because it's recovering.  I cited a variety of reasons for avoiding class, many of them legitimate...too dehydrated, having a headache, eating too much or too little before class, and so on.  While well meaning, they eventually became excuses.  Depression is often like this.  You wait.  Sometimes a very long time for the motivation to arrive, before taking action..."I'm too tired to go out today, I'll rest, and try tomorrow, or, I won't be any fun, so why bother going out with my friends?" and so forth.  Then one day a very wise person told me something I really already knew, but very much needed to hear all the same.  Often action must come BEFORE the motivation.  Certainly it takes a leap of faith, but there can end up being a reward in the end...more action.  So today I did go to class.  Even though I had a headache, had very little water before class, and ate a couple slices of greasy pizza a couple hours ahead of time.  It still worked out.  I had an average class.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The class really wasn't about challenging myself physically or mentally.  It was about getting going again.  Kind of like starting your car.  I didn't really intend on driving anywhere, I just needed to warm up my engine, so to speak.

Not losing count

A LOT has happened in the past week.  Nothing pertaining to hot yoga, but definitely having to do with my mental health.  I'm going to skip the details.  Because although relevant to the blog, I'm just not "up" for sharing (at least at this point).  What I am up for is a class!  I've been craving the warmth.  So tomorrow my plan is to continue with my count, where I left off.  This in and of itself is a sign of progress for me.  Usually I have a black and white outlook on life.  If it's not perfect, fuck it.  I give up.  Maybe I start over, maybe not.  This time I'm not going to count this as a failure.  It's a week I wasn't able to do hot yoga.  Tomorrow will still be day 4.

Day 3...I don't want to do it!!

It's 5:30 am.  I'm up, dressed, and my bag is packed.  I can't sleep anyways.  Why don't I get my ass out of this chair and go to the 6 am class??  One reason could be yesterday's class is still hanging over me.  I'm scared of a repeat.  FUUUUCK, I don't want to do this.  OK, I'm going...

And I did go.  It wasn't horrible.  The studio is very peaceful and cozy at that hour.  Dimly lit, warm, not many people there.  I was slightly annoyed by a couple new people who showed up 5 minutes before class started...it just delayed things, and that aggravates me.  I'm grateful that class went more smoothly for me today.   My mind was much more calm, the negative voices quiet. 

Oddly, I found that I was STARVING after class.  Maybe it was the time of day, because generally I have a hard time finding anything that sounds appetizing after a class later in the afternoon.

I'm going to try napping now because I'm having a tough time sleeping at night.  The meds I'm on knock me out relatively well, but not for very long.  I'm proud of myself for finishing class early in the day. 

Day 2...at least I went.

I had a really tough class this afternoon.  I suppose it's a good thing we don't know these things ahead of time, because if we did, why would we bother?  I can say I'm grateful my friend Linda came along with me and we had a sunny, semi-warm day to walk to the studio.  The first hour was just brutal for me.  During awkward pose I could begin to feel myself struggling, not only physically, but mentally.  The thoughts started as a whisper but quickly escalated to, "I'm so fucking tired!!  I can't do this!  It's impossible!!  I'm such a wimp!"  You get the point.  I probably laid down half a dozen times.  I felt awful, defeated.  There was no attempt on my part to be compassionate towards myself and that makes me really sad.  It's very much a sign of how little I like myself at the moment.  The voice quieted somewhat during the floor series.  But it was still there.  So as the heading says, at least I went...and had the opportunity to visit with Linda.

This evening I'm feeling exhausted and somewhat irritable.  My back is feeling sore and I don't have much of an appetite. 

Day 1...no witty title.

I took the noon class today.  I've had days where getting out of bed, dressing, packing my bag, etc. seems impossible.  Thankfully this wasn't one of those days.  I actually arrived to the studio earlier than usual.  With only a few students there already I had my choice of prime spots.  My preference is back row and as far from the clock as possible.  Once I was set up I had about 15 minutes to lay in Savasana. Last night I didn't sleep well.  I was anxious, which generally makes my sleep choppy.  As I laid on my mat I began to feel warm and drowsy, and then calm.  The class itself went well.  I had some mild frustration with the balancing series because I fall out of the poses a lot.  But I didn't lay down during them.  That's a first for me actually (just realized this).  Hmmm.  I did right after though, haha.  So now that class is over I'm feeling the usual fatigue that follows.  But I'm not anxious.  I want to crawl back under the covers and close my eyes.  But not because I'm depressed and want to shut the world out.

Day 0...an experiment.

I discovered hot yoga two months ago.  My friend Linda had been attending classes at the studio down the street from where I live in Fremont.  I wasn't at all familiar with the Bikram style and had only gone to one or two "regular" yoga classes in my life.  I read some information online and Linda answered my many, many questions.  I was nervous.  My biggest concern was becoming nauseous or passing out in front of everybody.  Plus, 90 minutes?!?!  She assured me that I could lay down at any time and by drinking plenty of water and having a small snack a few hours beforehand I'd be able to prevent any major discomfort.  I'm immensely grateful to her for going with me that first day because I don't know if I would have been brave enough to try it on my own.

I remember a few specific things from that first experience.  Well, the heat hit me right away, no surprise there.  I was sweating within a couple minutes of just entering the room and setting up my mat.  Seattle can be a very dreary and gray place to live, and this past January was an especially bad month...I found myself grateful for the warmth.  The teacher I had for my first class, Penni, was patient and kind.  She demonstrated the breathing exercises and gave me feedback throughout the class.  I'm about 50 pounds overweight and I was amazed at what the other students were able to do with their bodies, and also slightly self conscious.  The class went by pretty quickly.  I did indeed spend a fair amount of time on my back but I was proud of myself for just staying in the studio for the full 90 minutes.  There were moments I wanted to run out of there and bolt for the nearest exit.  I learned something that day about being still even in the midst of extreme anxiety. Which leads me to why I'm starting this blog...

Since I was a teenager, a good majority of my life has been spent dealing with chronic anxiety and depression.  The severity and form of my symptoms have ebbed and flowed over the years.  At times I've been an extremely social and productive individual.  And at other times I've stayed in bed for stretches of days, often feeling like a physical force is pushing me down into the mattress.  I've used a variety of different medications, therapies, etc. with varying degrees of success.  Bikram yoga seems like one of the more promising options.  In the past two months I've noticed a significant difference on the days I attend a class.  Unfortunately my attendance has been sporadic.  It's been a week since I went to my last class.  My mood has shifted drastically downward.  I have little energy.  I'm isolating, overeating, and having my usual parade of dark thoughts.

So this is what I want to talk about...how will Bikram yoga affect my mental health if I'm going (ideally) every day for one month??  I have no doubt of the physical benefits.  Far more important at this point in my life is my emotional well being and how I can start to enjoy my life again.