The myth of moderation

In the past couple weeks I started frequenting OA (Overeater's Anonymous) meetings. My thinking was somewhere along the lines of, what the hell do I have to lose?? My eating has been out of control, especially at night. Most nights, I get up and consume probably 1000+ calories. And during the day I'm not doing all that much better, snacking on sweet, sugary foods. I do my best to keep certain foods out of the house (ice cream, candy, cookies, etc.) but there are still foods around (cereal, bread, granola bars, etc) that lead me to overeat. This is where OA came in. The twelve steps aren't new to me. My father is a recovering alcoholic and I'm familiar with the program. I like the program. There's a sense of community among sufferers. No judgment or egos. Humility and surrender are key though. And that's where I'm battling with myself. Step one: "We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable."

Powerless?? Puhleeeeze! I have control over what I eat. Certain foods cause me problems...sugary, starchy stuff, but I could live without them. Right?? I'm not so sure. More and more people are eliminating sugar and white/enriched flour from their diets, many successfully. Keep in mind OA does not endorse any specific food plan. They provide suggestions and encourage members to avoid behaviors and foods that lead to binging. So what behaviors and foods are problem areas for me?? Well if you've been listening, you know the answer already. What does this mean? It means I should avoid sugary, starchy foods (and beverages, like alcohol) and eating in the middle of the night. When I consider that MAJOR lifestyle change I want to throw a fit. Yep. Just like a little kid. No more ice cream? No more beer? No more PBJ's?? I couldn't do it. No way. To do it I'd have to admit I'm incapable of taking one bite (or one sip) without following it with another. Wait a minute. That is my problem. I'm not one of the lucky few who can have a bite and let it be. I want the whole fucking piece!! And it pisses me off. I am powerless over food. My love for food has slipped into obsession. Moderation seems like such a noble solution. But for people like me, it's a myth. Now I have to decide what to do about it.

Fat, fat, fat...

Get the point? I'm feeling fat. I went to yoga today and was reminded yet again (since my return this past week) that I'm not working with the same body as before. Some of the postures I'm having a hard time with are standing head to knee (more weight in my middle making the bend extremely claustrophobic and tight) and fixed fern. I literally can not get my hips to rest comfortably between my knees. Fixed fern used to be no problem for me. How disappointing. On the upside, my favorite teacher was there today. Love her, very down to earth gal. She talked briefly today about compassion for ourselves and my eyes welled up (seriously? I'm going to cry at yoga). I have no compassion for myself or my body. I hate it right now. I'm not sure what to do about that. The best remedy I can come up with is to continue doing my best to care for the body I have. Act, as if, I suppose. Maybe compassion will come...

Crepes

I had the most amazing dinner with a friend tonight at the Crepe Cafe in Seattle. We shared a bottle of wine, chatted, and had a feast of dinner and dessert crepes. YUM! The company and good meal was just what I needed this week. Today I had a job interview and didn't make it to a yoga class. I plan on going tomorrow to the noon class. Mid-day works well for me. It's not too early and I find it prevents boredom on otherwise tedious days without anything else to do. I'm content right now, and rather sleepy, so that's all for now.

Depression: 2, Joy: 0

The past two days have been wasted for the most part. Lots of time spent laying in bed, thinking about the things I could be doing. But I stay put and time passes slowly.

Each day I try to take care of what my therapist and I call, "the basics". This means showering, taking my meds, going outside, eating and so on. I have kept up with those this weekend but found that much more than that felt impossible. Logically, I know it is possible. I'm capable of doing more and sometimes even enjoying myself. So what is the difference from day to day? It's my thoughts. My ability to treat myself with kindness or cruelness. This weekend I let the cruel thoughts win.

A Humbling Experience

Today was my first time back to the studio in a very long time. I was nervous. I'm not sure what I expected exactly, but I was still surprised at how different it was from the last time I was there. The poses were still familiar to me, but my body wouldn't cooperate. So many times I was reminded of how much weight I've gained. My body just wasn't able to bend and move like it used to. I spent a good majority of the class on my back, simply so exhausted it was hard to move. The image in the mirror showed my face, a fierce, red shade. This isn't at all what I imagined my return to the hot room to be like. But I'm planning on going back tomorrow.

Neglect

My poor, poor body. I've been neglecting it. I don't listen to it anymore. It tries to tell me "I'm full." Or "I'm out of breath." Or the worst, "Why don't you pay any attention to me?" Ugh, I feel so guilty. My body has always been there for me. It gives me relatively few issues besides a stray ache or pain once in awhile. And how do I repay it? I smoke almost everyday, I eat half a pie in a sitting, I let the fat continue to slowly spread. Each of us should think about this. How would we treat our body if it was like a friend? A completely separate individual that needs attention, nurturing and yes, even unconditional love.

I've neglected my blog just like my body. I'm sorry dear friends and body, I'll try to do better and not ignore you every day. You're important. And I need you.

Avoidance

I've been successfully avoiding the yoga studio this month. I went to a class this past Monday. So that makes a whopping 2 classes this month! In yoga's absence I've been attempting to go for more walks and wear my pedometer each day (slightly more successful with this goal). Today I AM going to yoga even though I have a list of reasons I'd like not to go: I have a sore throat, I'm hungry and want to eat right NOW, I'm tired, and...you get the picture. But in a half hour I will start the process of getting ready and I will go. I know afterwords I'll be happy I went and feel better about myself.

Still looking for work. I didn't fully appreciate how bad the job market is. Now I do. I've had a couple interviews, a rejection, and one or two promising leads. It's possible I could have an offer in the next week and that means I will have to do one of the things I hate most: make a decision. It's become apparent to me that the perfect job is not going to just fall from the sky. I'm going to have to accept that something about my new job will not be ideal: the hours, the commute, the benefits, the pay, etc. However, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad fit. What I have to do is figure out what IS a deal breaker for me, and there in lies the decision making. Blerg.

In other news, I have this overwhelming urge to cut my hair off. Maybe it's because summer has finally arrived in Seattle or I just want a change. My knitting is going OK...I currently have four active projects and am trying to focus only on them and not start anything new. Not as easy as it sounds!